I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
