you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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