You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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