I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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