Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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