he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
