I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
