i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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