It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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