It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Well I just put wine in my tea
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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