Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
