I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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