Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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