the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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