her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
