I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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