Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
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