Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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