I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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