your room smells of hookers.
And success
you would pick up someone in the library
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
