i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
