just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
