WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
