going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My vagina is officially offended.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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