Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
