Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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