I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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