Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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