Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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