I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
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She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
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He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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