when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
