Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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