I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
