I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
