why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
