I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
