I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
