I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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