We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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