Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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