I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
