He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
