Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
