How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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