This is not my ceiling
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Banned from zoo.
Again?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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