My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
