Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
