I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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