i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
smell my finger.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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