Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
