Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
