I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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