The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
