I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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