Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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