Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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