im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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