Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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