Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
