Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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