i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
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