Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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