the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
