shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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